


What He Left Behind

by theinkquiry



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Angst, Forever Mad About Endgame Steve, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not Very Steve Rogers Friendly, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Unresolved Romantic Tension, Venting About My Dumb Steve Rogers Feelings, kind of, mostly angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-23 03:55:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20001922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theinkquiry/pseuds/theinkquiry
Summary: You, Sam, and Bucky returned from the Blip only to lose the one person in your life who had defined so many of your years. With your world forever changed, it’s hard to not be bitter about what happened. Bucky tries to help you heal. You both end up a little better, a little worse.





	What He Left Behind

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-Posted from Tumblr (https://theinkquiry.tumblr.com)

Two weeks after saving the world and you were sitting on a second-hand couch bought online, nursing a beer in your ‘brand new’ apartment that was older than you and Sam but younger than Bucky. Whatever show you’d been watching was left on autoplay for a while now. You weren’t really paying attention, but lord did you need the background noise. If you stared hard enough, the vaguest outlines of your slumped body could be seen between the static screen. Deciding it a fun little game, you looked only to find your reflection frowning back. You switched off the TV and turned to your side, taking another sip. 

You didn’t even like beer. 

Fourteen days since Steve Rogers ran out of your life forever, and you had no clue what to do with yourself since then. Unlike with Sam, the old man didn’t bother thinking of your place in the grand scheme of things.

Sure, he talked to you. It was an honor that he even bothered to ask for you at all. And as you sat beside him in front of the giant sprawling pond, you recalled a strange sense of calm as Actual Old Man Rogers drawled words of wisdom. About how he wished you two had more time together but ultimately it was never meant to be and your paths would have to diverge. It was supposed to provide closure, and signal a new beginning. With the gentle breeze and serene atmosphere, you left feeling okay. That maybe a new sort of peace could be salvaged. A feeling that lasted for all of five hours before you were left a garbled, confused mess.

“Jerk,” you mutter to yourself. 

Even the insult tasted bad on your tongue, tainted by its connotation. But calling him anything worse would have been cruel to call a now nearly two-hundred year old man. 

Though you three only moved in a short while ago, the apartment looked so lived-in yet so empty at the same time. Water stains on the table from coasterless drinks, but no centerpiece. Pristine white walls yellowed in the dingy lighting. A pile of mail on the counter- none important. Some old appliances that have yet to be used. You briefly entertained the idea of cooking until you realized that you, Bucky, and Sam ran on different schedules these days. 

You cast a glance at the door. 

“Still sulking?” Bucky’s voice came in through the door even before the keys started jangling. He came in not five seconds after with a bag of groceries, shrugging off his thick jacket and tossing aside his baseball cap. 

Teasing as his question was, you felt a little relieved upon his arrival. Ignoring what he said, you picked his hat off the floor in front of you. Bucky always managed to toss his garments right within your reach on the couch. Far enough so he won’t pick it up, but close enough for someone else to do it. How considerate. If you didn’t already know how much of a jokester he was, you might have taken offense. 

Though it had been a few years, Bucky’s wardrobe didn’t contain anything beyond a few plain shirts and his battered old jacket. “You know, you don’t have to wear this stuff anymore.”

“I’m used to it by now. And hello to you too. When’d you get up today? Two in the afternoon?” 

You rolled your eyes, but got up to help put away some stuff in the fridge. “Only twelve, for your information. Where’s Sam?” 

“Out on Cap duty-” he noticed your slight grimace- “so it’s just us two for tonight.” 

You didn’t say anything back, opting to finish folding up the plastic bags and tucking them away before returning to your spot on the couch and staring at the blank TV. Bucky sighed loud enough for you to hear. 

“Do you want dinner?”

“Hmm…”

“We could get takeout. Or try whatever this is…” He eyed a frozen dinner box. 

“Not really hungry.”

He dropped the box in the freezer, nudging it shut. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself-” 

There it was again. You slammed down your empty beer can with a hollow echo. “And what about you, huh? Like you’re doing so much better walking around town dressed for a snowstorm in the middle of spring.” 

His eyes darkened. It felt a little bad, sure, but you weren’t any less wrong. As much as Bucky was nagging at you to find a new purpose in life and ‘move on’, the man himself spent most of his time wandering around all his old hangouts in Brooklyn and acting like the whole Thanos thing never happened. Like Steve was on a mini-vacation and about to walk right back and set everything in order. 

Bucky made his way over to the couch beside you, avoiding eye contact. “I don’t know what you want me to tell you.”

“I don’t need you to tell me anything. I need you to stop acting like what happened was totally fine, because it’s not.” You frowned, clutching at the empty can if only to hold onto something. “He didn’t even say good-bye!”

“It was a long time coming…”

“Was time hopping back to who knows when really so urgent that he couldn’t have at least talked it out with us?”

“Steve said that if he did, we’d probably convince him to stay.”

“Well then maybe he should have,” you argued, “instead of galavanting off back to the land of no internet. What happened to the guy who couldn’t turn back if a situation was headed south? ‘Cause let me tell ya, the events after the forties sure weren’t heading north!” 

“Maybe it was time for Steve to finally do something for himself. After everything, doesn’t he deserve to be a little selfish?”

“There’s a difference between selfish and leaving everything behind. Again!” The metal can crunched under your harsh grip. “We were gone five years. Five years he’s been allegedly missing us. Then what? We come back and he’s just- just okay with leaving us again?”

He pressed his lips together in an attempt to compose himself. “I know this is difficult, but like Steve said-” 

“Forget what Steve said! I’m pissed!” You threw the can to the floor and stomped up. “And I know you are too, so why can’t you acknowledge that?” 

Bucky’s stern neutrality didn’t waver. If he needed time to think it over, that was fine with you too. Now that you got started, it was hard to stop. “Every single day. I’ve been telling myself ‘it’s what Steve would have wanted, you have to move on’ and ‘he deserved to be happy with her’ but what about us, huh?”

Still no response, Bucky’s eyes zeroing in on the dusty wooden floors. 

“What about what I wanted? Or what you wanted? Or Sam? All of a sudden it’s goodbye Falcon, hello Cap. Why, because Steve said so? Steve, Steve, Steve. It’s all about Steve. And sure, yeah, I’m happy or whatever that he got to live a beautiful life with his lost love. It’s just so romantic and blah blah blah. I’m so sick of always putting Steve first! Don’t we matter?” 

“Of course we matter,” Bucky insisted.

“Well, it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it!” You shouted back. “We already lost Tony and Nat. Why did he have to go too?” 

You took several deep breaths. A few tears had already spilled over, and your face felt warmer than Bucky’s arm on hot summer days. 

“I’m not mad,” Bucky said after a while. His head hung low, allowing his long hair to cover most of his eyes. 

You bit your tongue, reminding yourself that you weren’t the only one hurt by Steve’s actions. Quelling your anger took some effort, and knowing that Steve left Bucky in this state made your rage seethe out again.

“Well you sure as hell aren’t just fine and dandy, are you?” You crossed your arms, pacing the floor. 

“No,” he admitted, “I’m not. I-I thought I could do it. He told me right before he left, looked me right in the eye and told me that I was the best pal he ever had. That it was time for him to catch a break. A-and I really believed him. But thinking back now, I don’t even know how I feel.”

You allowed your shoulders to relax, and sat back on the couch beside him. “He’s Steve Rogers. Of course he has that effect on people.”

He kept on talking, though not necessarily at you. Sort of working it out by himself out loud. Every now and then, you’d squeeze his hand or rub his back. To think that he had lost his best friend upwards of five times now. It was a comically absurd number. The kind that put into perspective just how difficult processing everything must be. This was the only time Steve chose to go willingly. 

“He was so distraught over not seein’ Peggy for decades, but all of a sudden he’s okay with doin’ the same thing to us? I came back thinkin’ it would be one more fight. Then maybe, if even for a few months or something, we could… I dunno…” 

You knew how he felt. Maybe not exactly, but it could not be easy to hear that someone was with you “‘til the end of the line” only for them to suddenly tell you that the line stopped here, good luck. As close as you, Bucky, Sam, Nat, and Steve were before… it all still felt like mission stuff. Never truly having the time to do silly bonding things that other adults would do. Sure, there were fun times, but it all felt so incomplete. 

You felt duped every time you thought back to those years in DC. Every time you remembered when Steve would talk about the past- it stuck out like a warning sign. A premonition you should’ve seen coming. You let out a dry, bitter laugh. Purposeful or not, he really fooled you into thinking that he moved on, and that staying in the present was better than going back. So much for ‘no polio’. 

“You know, he never even finished his stupid list.” You told Bucky after his mumbling trailed off into silence. “No trip to the space museum. No team dinners. No movie nights. Nothing. We didn’t even finish any Disney movies past the 1980s.” 

That seemed to make him crack a smile. “I wonder how the punk’s dealin’ without his weather app.”

“You think he’d miss it that much?”

“It was the smallest conveniences that brought the most joy for old geezers like us.” 

You burst out laughing, playfully pushing his arm. Bucky’s breathing evened out again, and he felt the slightest bit lighter. Shifting around on the couch, you ended up relaxing against each other and putting on something lighthearted to act as background noise. Half paying attention, half lost in your own thoughts. 

“Maybe,” he began in a soft voice, “before we try and hop back into hero nonsense, we can do all those things together. Movies ‘n stuff.” 

You looked up, a suspicious grin on your face. “Is that right?”

He scoffed. “Don’t look at me like that. Steve ain’t the only one who missed out on all those cool things, ya know.”

You supposed he was right. If Steve wasn’t going to stick around to experience your plan to ease him back to real time, Bucky for sure would. You, Sam, and Nat had actually put more effort than you’d like to admit into brainstorming fun ways for Steve to reacclimate himself. It’d be a shame for all that hard work to go to waste… 

Bucky shook his head. “It’s kinda funny though. One moment you think you’re a second away from finally catchin’ a break-” 

“-the next, you’re left with an empty podium and semi-comforting words from a wrinkly old man.” You finish his sentence. 

“Hey,” he gave you a nudge, “I’m not that wrinkly.” 

You shared a laugh. The rest of the night spent bonding over the loose ends Old Man Rogers left behind and daydreaming about all the possibilities that still lay ahead of you. 

Little did either of you two know, Sam had been outside for a while trying to get a handle on his new tactical gear before any of the neighbors noticed. He walked in at the sight of his two roommates asleep. You curled into Bucky’s side, clutching at his shirt while he had an arm around your waist. 

It was a good catharsis, and perhaps you two could finally help each other instead of suffering in silence. Sam shook his head with a low chuckle. “Dorks.” 

He decided to leave you both alone, wondering what reactions you’d both have waking up so snuggled in the morning. One of these days, hopefully soon, all three of you could get together and try to build a new family in this post-Steve Rogers world. But for now, he stole one of Bucky’s sodas from the fridge, he tossed a blanket over the two of you, and let himself relax in the comfort of his own room after a long day of being Captain America.


End file.
